Adulting is tough, particularly for a gamer. With all of these so called “responsibilities,” it’s really tough working through that gaming backlog. Well not to worry, your old pal Nerd Speaker is here to teach you how to game while also living your best adult life.
1. Gaming at work
So you’re working a soul-sucking 9-5 office job and you’d rather be at home chilling out with the most recent popular video game release. Don’t worry, where there’s a will there’s a way.
Most jobs now involve the use of a computing device. With modern technology, you can rig up your computer to play your games remotely from the office. From the safety of your cubicle, you can attach your favorite controller and play games to your heart’s content! Of course, it might be best if you don’t use sound – so make sure you can turn on subtitles if applicable.
What is my ideal ratio of work to gaming? It really depends on your job, and how much you hate your boss. At a minimum, it’s at least 50 / 50 always in favor of gaming.
What do I do if I’m micromanaged? Get really good at pushing alt + tab. This needs to become a reflex so that as soon as you hear your boss approaching, you can minimize that shit and bring up the Q4 report.
Should I feel guilty about this? Nah. Most people faff about during work, at least you’re doing something productive.
2. Gaming during exercise
Nobody likes to exercise – all those people running around in track suits are just kidding themselves. We all know they’d rather be playing Perfect Dark.
That being said, it seems that a sedentary lifestyle, despite being adopted by many a gamer, is actually bad for you? Who knew. No reason, however, why you can’t be active and game at the same time!
Simply work out at home, in front of the television or other gaming screens. Gaming is a great motivator for physical activity – just follow these easy steps:
Do a physical thing, play for five minutes. Simple! One push up – five minutes of gaming. Leg raise – five minutes. Lift your head – five minutes. Easy! You’ll be fit in no time!
Does this work? Depends on what you mean – it certainly helps you game more. Can’t speak for getting swole and ripped.
3. Gaming while on the phone
We all have commitments speaking to loved ones and telemarketers on the phone, sometimes for multiple hours an evening!
This is fairly straightforward, but you can put a headset on your phone and talk while playing games! There are no downsides to this whatsoever! At least if you’re not easily distracted by a game. But what game has ever held a gamer’s attention that much?
What if I’m into the game? Like really into the game? Most people just want to talk about themselves, so rather than try to follow the thread of the conversation, just agree a lot. Also, be careful not to accidentally shout obscenities into the phone!
4. Gaming during family gatherings
We’re all sick of Aunt Matilda and her rambling stories. Seriously? She just repeated herself like three times. Okay, enough is enough.
Hopefully, you have young or cool cousins you can escape to the basement with to play games the entire time you’re there. If not, bring a laptop or portable gaming device. Eat some dinner, then go to the toilet and spend the rest of your evening there. If people ask, tell them the ham made you sick.
What if my family calls an ambulance for me? Even better, easy escape!
5. Gaming while spending time with significant other / date
Simple – date a gamer. Seriously. Gamers that game together, stay together.
HOWEVER, even a so called “gamer” may want to do activities on a date other than game… then what are you to do!? Let’s break it down into different dates:
Walk in the park or “nature:”
Bring your portable game console of choice. Every five minutes or so, tell your date that the trail mix you’ve been snacking on is giving you the runs, and go off to find some privacy. Game for five minutes. Come back. Repeat.
A day at the mall:
It’s inevitable that your date will want to do shopping for things other than video games. When you go to a store you know they’ll spend a good chunk of time in, just tell them that you’re going to browse on your own and you’ll meet up at a certain time. Then just run to the video game store or electronics store with demo kiosks. Easy.
Shakespeare, amirite? Been done to death. Rather than bore yourself with philosophical questions and Elizabethan quips, just bring a portable console and play it with the screen dimmed and with headphones after the lights drop. Just make sure you read the synopsis of the play beforehand so during intermission you can at least pretend to carry on a conversation about it.
My date activity is not listed here – what should I do? Keep your mind fixated on the idea of gaming while also not displeasing your date, and the answer will come. A true gamer has a solution for any social situation.
After trying one / multiple of these ideas, I got dumped. Why are you giving me bad advice? I’m not – you just haven’t found the right person yet. If they’re a true-blue partner, they will understand these impulses and you both likely wouldn’t have gone out of doors in the first place.
6. Gaming as a parent
Ah, the joys of being a parent. The drippy, unclean joys. Children are our future, and as such it makes sense for you to indoctrinate them into gaming culture early so they don’t get bogged down by other pursuits like sports or having friends. It’s these sorts of tribulations that led to this article in the first place!
Here are just a couple tips for different age groups leading up to the point where they are old enough to actually play games with you:
Papoose your infant while gaming (0-1yrs): Infants are weird, floppy things. They cry a lot, but human touch seems to soothe them. So papoose them and you can bond at the same time as gaming. Of course, you want your child to be facing the TV, not you, so they can learn the ins and outs of your favorite FPS.
Rig old controllers into learning toys (1-3yrs): Man, toddlers love toys where they push buttons and then sounds and lights go off. It’s essentially a gateway to gaming! To make it even more relevant, take a controller from a legacy console and hardwire it so button presses activate sequences on an old CRT TV. Think – “The cow goes moo” – and link it to an image of Moo Moo Farm from Mario Kart 64.
Learning to read with old spelling games (3-5yrs): This one is straightforward – sit with your child in your lap and play Mario Teaches Typing. Your kids will learn to read, and your typing will get better to boot!
After these developmental stages, your kids should be old enough to game with you! Just be prepared to lose a lot, kids are ruthless.
Do you even have kids? … no.
Will these tips give my kids an optimal head start in life? … sure.
7. Gaming during temple / church
Religion is cool and all, if you’re not pushy about it, but obligatory church or time at another religious institution can be tedious at best.
If you’re lucky, your temple or whatever may have an ancient gaming console in the basement that they use for their hip social clubs, but if not, simply bring your console of choice and make an opportune bathroom break that lasts for two hours. Let’s be honest, gaming is your own form of worship, so no need to feel guilty about this. If you are questioned at the end of the service, just say that you spent the last two hours trying to convert a squirrel you saw outside, or something.
Will I go to hell or something similar? What do I look like, a Priest?
8. Gaming while at the bar or da club
So after a couple outings being dragged to the bar by friends who would rather go out and buy expensive beers and bland chicken fingers than stay in and drink cheap beers and play games, I made a realization – people always ask the bartender to put on the sports ball game. So I figured, if I bring a console, could we not ask the bartender to switch to that instead? Bring a bunch of controllers and some competitive games and you will be the hero that your local bar deserves.
If you are at “da club,” I feel sorry for you. Everyone is absorbed with colorful lights and moving their limbs manically and being too close to each other, it’s a nightmare. There are plenty of screens showing lame music videos, however, so simply bribe your way into the back room, hook up the console you snuck past the bouncers, and rock your games. This crowd may not be as into it when your games are distracting them from making a move, but who cares? Your friends on the dance floor may miss you, but are they really your friends if they dragged you to a club?
How exactly do I slip consoles past a bouncer? Be creative.
9. Gaming in your mind
ABG – Always Be Gaming.
Despite my awesome tips, you may find situations in life where you CAN NOT game. Well, my friends, that’s why we have an imagination! So you can plan out your strategy in your mind, and work your way through what you believe the story of the game is going to be!
“Fight every battle everywhere, always, in your mind. Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend.” – Nerd Speaker
What if I don’t have an imagination? … you poor bastard.
10. Guilt-Free Gaming
Gaming is supposed to be fun. If your backlog is growing and you start to think of gaming as an obligation – ignore all my previous tips and take a break. Rethink the need to work through a list that means you don’t get enough sleep or neglect other aspects of life. Be present. Enjoy the people around you. Then come back to gaming with renewed vigor and appreciation.