The Koopalings, also known occasionally as the Koopa Kids, have been making somewhat of a resurgence lately. Thinking back to Super Mario World, I always thought these guys were cool bosses, since they actually felt like they had distinct personalities. You would assume that in Bowser’s Autumn years one of them would take over the mantle of King Koopa.
So I got to thinking, since Shigeru Miyamoto has explicitly stated that the Koopalings are not Bowser’s children, and that Bowser Jr. is the rightful heir to the throne, where does it leave this gang of merry misfits in, say, 20 years?
“Koopa army’s special attack squad leader.”
Larry was seen as the most likely candidate to replace the head honcho should anything befall Bowser’s heir apparent, displaying the aptitude at an early age for command. He graduated from the Koopa military academy with full honours, and would soon rise to the rank of Koopa Commander. He initially proved himself greatly in the mushroom wars, commanding the Koopa army to near total victory. He would ultimately, however, lose face in a personal duel with Mario in which he was badly burned by a fire flower, causing the morale of the Koopa Troops to plummet and sealing the victory for the Mushroom Kingdom. He suffers from long-term PTSD, and several cosmetic surgeries later you can find him collecting coins for the Koopa veteran society in the local mall.
Morton Koopa Jr.
“Unrivalled / invincible tough guy.”
Wendy O. Koopa
“Overthrow / beat-down princess.”
“Trickster with the black-framed glasses.”
Ever the ‘misunderstood’ Koopaling and picked on by the rest, Iggy spent most of his adolescence with his nose buried in books, obsessively watching and blogging about anime, and playing erotic Japanese dating sims. His early adversity gave him the drive to succeed however, and he graduated from Koopa U. with an MBA in Koopa Finance. He ran the business end of Bowser’s empire for many years, becoming rich and powerful in a very brief time and was better known by his nickname “The Spiny of Wall Street.” His meteoric rise would eventually be succeeded by an equally portentous downfall as he made some poor investments in the Koopa Clown Car industry and spent the rest on Japanese hookers and blow. He now teaches business seminars to Goombas who want to get rich quick.
“Out-of-control turtle heavyweight.”
Growing up, Roy was heavily favoured by Bowser, who would often be heard to say that Roy “reminds me of myself at that age.” Although somewhat slow, he was an ace with a Koopa shell, and despite being a real dullard in school, Bowser would always make time to go out for an ice cream with his favourite ‘son.’ However, once Bowser Jr. was born (who the heck is his mother, anyway?), Roy fell into disfavour and developed a deep, brooding resentment towards life. He started hanging out with the goths and writing dark poetry. Crying and alone in his room, he would eat his problems away, adding many layers of fat to his already chunky frame. Still living at home, working at an office supply store and devastatingly overweight, Roy tends to stand alone in the corner during family reunions.
“Number one in agility.”
“There’s one in every group,” is the way that people talk about Lemmy. From a young age, his interests tended to veer towards the chaotic, including torturing the family cat goomba and violently ripping the masks off of shy guys. He developed a penchant for bob-ombs, constantly blowing up his toys behind his house, and decided to study chemistry at Koopa U. Nobody could say they couldn’t see it coming when one day Lemmy snapped and held the entire city hostage with his new variety of bob-omb of mass destruction. His demands: ten-million coins and a gassed up Koopa Clown Car ready to take him to to Yoshi’s Island. Paratroopa SWAT managed to bring him down and disarm the bomb, however, and Lemmy was incarcerated in the Koopa Asylum for the Mentally Insane. Today you can still find him there, somewhat calmed by his regular electroshock therapy, but still collecting oddments from the laundry room and stashing them for who knows what purpose.
Ludwig Von Koopa